thevillagecharlatan

Tonight I seek to pull myself up, up, up and out of the gaping chasm of self-doubt and into the realm of Intelligent and Productive Movers and Shakers. I am psyching myself out for good. I am finishing my personal statement for these PhD programs. Why are these statements so contrived, sycophantic, and generally magrissimo? Why can I not make my personality and interests into a natural conduit for What Professors Want? I am very relaxed about this until I start working on the damn statement and realize, “You’re going to mislead all the faculty of ____’s Art History department into thinking that you are a misdirected, drooling ignoramus who wears ceramic scarab beetle brooches.” What I really want the personal statement to say is, “Dear Faculty, I am adorable and not too ass-kissy, just ass-kissy enough. Academia is a personality game and I have the charm, charisma, and attention problems to get me through dumb lectures and faculty meetings for thirty years or until tenure, whichever comes first. And seriously, I have Ideas! Ideas which will turn into Books! Books which will have both scholarly AND prurient appeal! Seriously seriously, don’t waste your time on any of the other applicants, those milquetoast caucasian ladies of leisure. You want THIS lady of leisure! Me! Me! Meeeeeee!” I think this, plus a bulleted list of new interpretive terms I’ve invented (”seismic viewing”, anyone?) should suffice. 

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